Anecdote

The class is studying astronomy. The teacher points to a photograph, and says, "Does anyone know what this is? It's a comet."
" A What?"
"A comet, Eddy. Don't you know what a comet is?"
"No!"
Don't you know what they call a star with a tail?"
"Sure, Mickey Mouse!"

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My Bedroom (Descriptive text)

My bedroom is at the back part of the house. It is only three meters long and two and half meters wide. Both the door and the small window face a narrow corridor. there is a bed across from the door. A table and an old chair stand near the window. On the wall above the table a ten-Watt tube lamp lights the room and functions as a reading lamp as well. In the corner near the table there is a small cupboard where I put my clothes and some of my books, especially the old ones. Although the room is not large, I live comfortably in it.

taken from: English a new concept in learning English

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The Day When Everything Went Wrong (recount)

I am so glad that today is over. So many things have gone wrong!
For some reason I did not sleep a wink last night. I was very tired when Mum called me this morning. I fell asleep again until Mum called me again. That snooze made me late.
I did not have time for breakfast. I was starving as I ran to catch the school bus. I just missed it. Mum had to drive me to school. She was late for an important meeting and she was furious with me. She scolded me for being late.
I got to school on time. The teacher asked us to hand in our essays. My essays was not in my bag. I had forgotten to put it in my bag the night before. I usually check my bag in the morning. I did not do this because I was late. I had to write an extra essay as a punishment.
After the PE lesson I did not tie my shoelace properly. I tripped over it and fell down the stairs. I hurt my knee and had to have a bandage on it.What a terrible day! I hope that I have a much better one tomorrow.

taken from: Ganecabook

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An Unlucky Day (Recount)

One morning I got up with the feeling that the day was going to be an unlucky one for me. How right it was! Found that it was already 06:15 a.m.
I rushed into the bathroom. I did not see a piece of soap lying on the floor. I stepped on it and slipped, almost breaking my back in the process.
Then, I went into the dining room for my breakfast. I gulped down the tea without realizing that it was very hot. It burnt my tongue. I spat it out and could not eat anything because my tongue hurt. I got dressed and rushed to the bus stop.
Unfortunately, I just missed the bus. My heart sank and I knew that I would be late for school. When I reached school, my name was taken down by the teacher. The teacher scolded me for being late. To my humiliation, I was made to stand outside the class. I was so upset by the incidents that I could not study properly. But worse was to come.
After school, I was on my way home when something hard hit me on the head. Someone had thrown a bag of fish bones out of the window and it landed on me! I was boiling with rage but could do nothing.
However, luckily for me, this only raised a small lump on my head.I managed to reached home safe and sound, and did not dare to go out again for the rest of day.

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The Ducks and the Turtle (Narrative)

Two ducks who lived in a big lake had a friend who was a turtle. One year there was a very little rain and the lake began to dry up. One of the ducks said to the other, “Soon, there’ll be no water in this lake. Let’s go and look for lake.”
“Yes, answered the second duck, “But first let’s say good bye to our friend, the turtle.”
When they told the turtle they were going to leave, he said, “I’ll die here without any water and without any friends. Take me with you.”
“The ducks answered, “We can’t. We are going to fly, and you have no wings.”
“The turtle thought for a minute and then said, “please wait here.”
Then he went away and found a strong, straight stick. He brought it back to his friends, put the middle of it in his mouth and said, “Now if each of you takes me one end of the stick in his mouth, you can lift me up and carry me with you.”
“ Their is one danger,” said the ducks, “if you try to talk while we’re carrying you through the air, you won’t be able to hold the stick, so you’ll fall down along way and break your shell.”
“all right,” answered the turtle, “I promise not to talk while we’re in the air. So the ducks took the stick and flew away, with the turtle between them. All went well until they were flying over a town. Then some people saw them and shouted, “Look, those ducks are carrying a cat!”The turtle got very angry, “A cat? I’m not …” he said, but he did not get any further, because when he opened his mouth, the stick came out of his mouth and the poor turtle fell to the ground.

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Our trip to the Blue Mountain

On friday we went to the Blue Mountains. We stayed at David and Della's house, it has a big garden with lots of colourful flowers and a tennis court.

On Saturday we saw the three sisters and went on the scenic railway. It was scary. Then Mummy and I went shopping with Della. we went to some antique shops and i tried on some old hats. On Sunday we went on the Scenic Skyway and it rocked. We saw cockatoos having a shower.

In the afternoon we went home.

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Recount

Social Function:
To retell events for the purpose of informing or entertaining.


Generic Structure:

• Orientation: provides the setting and introduces participants.
• Events : tell what happened, in what sequence.
• Re-orientation: optional-closure of events.

Significant Lexicogrammatical Features:

• Focus on specific participants.
• Use of material processes.
• Circumstances of time and place.
• Focus on temporal sequence.

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Snow White

Once upon a time there lived a little girl named Snow White. She lived with her aunt and uncle because her parents were dead.

One day she heard her uncle and aunt talking about leaving Snow White in the castle because they both wanted to go to America and the didn't have enough money to take Snow White.

Snow White didn't want her uncle and aunt to do this so she decided it would be best if she ran away from home when her aunt and uncle were having breakfast. She ran away into the woods.

Then she saw this little cottage. She knocked but no one answered so she went inside and fell a sleep.

Meanwhile, the seven dwarf were coming home from work. The went inside. There they found Snow White sleeping. Then Snow White woke up. She saw the dwarfs. The dwarfs said,"What is your name?", Snow White said, "My name is Snow White."

Doc, one of the dwarfs, said, "If you wish, you may live here with us.: Snow White said, "Oh could I? thank you."

Then Snow White told the dwarfs the whole story and Snow White and the 7 dwarfs lived happily ever after.

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Significant Lexicogrammatical Features (Narrative):

1. Focus on specific and usually individualized participants.
2. Use of Material Processes (and in text behaviour and verbal processes).
3. Use of Retational Preocesses and Mental Processes.
4. Use of temporal conjunctions and temporal circumstances.
5. Use Past tense.

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Generic Structure (Narrative):

• Orientation: sees the scene and introduces the participants.
• Evaluation: a stepping back to evaluate the plight.
• Complication: a crisis arises.
• Resolution: the crisis is resolved, for better or for worse.
• Re-orientation: (optional)
• Coda: (optional)

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Social Function (Narrative):

To amuse, entertain and to deal with actual or various experience in different ways; Narratives deal with problematic events which lead to a crisis or turning point of some kind, which in turn finds 2 resolution.

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Narrative Text

Genre Of the text: Narrative

1. Social Function
2. Generic Structure
3. Significant Lexicogrammatical Features

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Please Send Me a Card

Postcards always spoil my holidays. Last summer, I went to Italy. I visited museums and sat in public gardens. A friendly waiter taught me a few words of Italian. Then he lent me a book. I read a few lines, but I did not understad a word. Every day I thought about postcards. My holidays passed quickly, but I did not send any cards to my friends. On the lasy day I made s big decision. I got up early and bought thirty-seven cards. I spent the whole day in my room, but I did not write a single card!

Taken from:Practice and Progress By L. G. Alexander

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Breakfast Or Lunch ?

It was Sunday. I never get up early on Sundays. I sometimes stay in bed until lunch time. Last sunday I got up very late. I looked out of the window. It was dark outside. "What a day!" I thought. "It's raining again." Just then, the telephone rang. It was my aunt Lucy. "I've just arrived by train, " She said. "I'm coming to see you."

"But I'm still having breakfast," I said.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"I'm having breakfast, " I repeated.

"Dear me," she said. Do you always get up so late? It's one o'clock !"

Taken from:Practice and Progress By L. G. Alexander

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A Private Conversation

Last week I went to the theater.I had a very good seat. The play was very interesting. I did not enjoy it. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking loudly. I got very angry. I could not hear the actors. I turned around. I looked at the man and the woman angrily. They did not pay any attention. In the end, I could not bear it. I turned around again. "I can't hear a word!" I said angrily.
"It's none of your business, " the young man said rudely. "This is a private conversation!".

Taken from:Practice and Progress By L. G. Alexander

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Great Wall Of China To Be Repaired With Lead-Tainted Toys

by: Tom Attea

Remember the lifelong anxiety you’ve experienced, worrying about the crumbling of The Great Wall of China? Fret no more. Now, humanity longest tribute to war-wrought paranoia will be on the mend. It seems the enterprising communist nation has an abundant new supply of materials to rebuild it with: The millions of lead-loaded toys, bibs and other children’s paraphernalia its cheapo manufacturers shipped off to Mattel and other toy makers, appalling mothers by the millions. But, as Confucius say, “Toys made with lead paint eventually return to factory.” Or, in a more contemporary vein, "From China with lead" is turning into "Back at you from America." Even as you read this, the varicolored plastic remedy is tending its way toward its eternal destiny, as ships laden with returned Barbie Dolls, Mattel Cars, painted bibs and other infant delights steam toward their disgraced land of origin. Of course, given the way rocks cobbled together have a way of returning to their place of origin, especially with the steady help of enthusiastic vandals, the ancient enormity has been falling apart almost since it was begun. In fact, today less than half of its 4,000 mile stretch still rises above elevation zero. And Mao, economic moron that he was, didn’t help the matter. He was unable to envision the stone wonder of the world as anything other than a dispensable feudal curiosity, let alone a hot tourist attraction that could help prop up his decrepit state. So great swaths of it were pulled down and transformed into functional accoutrements of his workers paradise, such as dams, roads, and stone huts. But now the new communist elite are in receipt of more than enough resilient material to restore the entire length of it. Redone as a sort of land fill from toy land, the reconstructed immensity will, to the delight of state capitalists everywhere, become a greater wonder for tourists than ever. Imagine the colorful come-visit look of its renewed grandeur, compacted with a rainbow of plastic toys, out of which odd appendages and bumpers poke. Should such an original method of rebuilding the wall ever become an architectural reality and surefire outrage, what might have become The Great Fall of China may be elevated to an enlarged source of latter-day Chinese prosperity.

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Enjoy These Useless Facts And Fun Trivia Questions And Answers

by: Deanna Mascle

Question: Which is stronger -- concrete or bone? Answer: Bone Useless Fact: Human bones can actually resist 40 times more stress than concrete. Don't believe it is true? Then picture a piece of concrete the size of a bone and imagine how easily it would break. Question: What bird lays its egg in another bird's nest? Answer: Cuckoo, Cowbird, Whyda, Honeyguide and Black-headed Duck Useless Fact: These birds, called brood parasites, lay their eggs in another bird's nest and let the other bird parents feed and raise their chicks. The "egg abandoner" is then free to mate again and lay more eggs in another nest. The cuckoo is the best known brood parasite and an expert in the art of cruel deception. Its strategy involves stealth, surprise and speed. The mother removes one egg laid by the host mother, lays her own and flies off with the host egg in her bill. The whole process takes barely ten seconds. Cuckoos parasitize the nests of a large variety of bird species and carefully mimic the colour and pattern of their own eggs to match that of their hosts. Each female cuckoo specializes on one particular host species. How the cuckoo manages to lay eggs to imitate each host's eggs so accurately is one of nature's main mysteries. Question: What is the largest invertebrate? Answer: Colossal Squid Useless Fact: A species of squid reported to be significantly larger than the giant squid, is called the Colossal squid, officially named Mesonychoteuthis hamiltoni. In February 2007 a live colossal squid was brought to the surface in Antarctic waters by a New Zealand fishing boat. This enormous squid, which was determined to be a male of the species, was 10 meters (32.8 feet), and weighed 450 kilograms (992 pounds), making it the largest squid (the largest invertebrate) ever captured. What is even more astonishing is that, from what scientists know about squid species in general, there is great sexual dimorphism in squids, with females being significantly larger than the males. If that holds true for the Colossal squid, this male specimen that was captured could very well be dwarfed by a much larger female of the species. Question: What does the first letter of a radio station's call sign mean? Answer: The location of the station Useless Fact: Generally, in the United States, call signs begin with K west of the Mississippi River, and W to the east. Question: Where was the first McD0nald's located? Answer: Arcada, California Useless Fact: Brothers Dick and Mac McDonald open a hot dog stand called the Airdome in Arcadia, California. In 1940, the brothers move to San Bernardino, California, on Route 66. After noting that almost all of their profits came from hamburgers, the brothers close down the restaurant for several months in 1948 to implement their innovative "Speedee Service System", a streamlined assembly line for hamburgers. Question: What is the largest insect? Answer: Acteon Beetle or Longhorn Beetle Useless Fact: There are different ways of measuring the size of an insect, most people would consider the largest insect to be the bulkiest and in that case the largest insect is the Acteaeom Beetle from South America. The male beetles can be 9cms long by 5cms wide by 4cms thick. If you want to measure largest by overall size, check out the South American Longhorn Beetle (Titanus giganteus) these giants can be over 16cms in body length (not including antennae) One other beetle, Dynastes hercules is also well known for reaching 16cms in length though it is not nearly as heavy. The longest insect in the world is the Stick-Insect (Pharnacia serritypes), the females of which can be over 36cm long.

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Advice to King Dave of the Isle of Man

by: Louis Rosas-Guyon III

To HM King David of the Isle of Mann (or Man), cousin to Queen Elizabeth II, come forth, I, your Not-So-Humble Servant to render such Wisdom as I can… For about ten minutes today, David Howe, a 38 year old businessman from Maryland commanded the front page on FoxNews.Com with the story of his Coronation. In 2006 some Brit genealogist called to tell him that he might have a claim to the throne of the Isle of Mann (or Man). So, he filled out the right forms and sent them to Her Majesty's Stationary Office which after a 90 day review period approved his Royal application. Apparently they sent him a crown, a royal robe and a spoon. Some Kings get swords, others get scepters, but David gets a spoon. My favorite part of the story is the reaction from the people of the Isle of Man, which I think can best be summed up as: "Who?" The elected government of the Isle of Man is probably still laughing themselves senseless. They are so disrespectful of their new King that the official government website has no mention of his coronation. Well King David, it looks like you'll need to stage an invasion to enforce Your Royal Rights. I recommend you look into some the old laws on how to execute traitors. That's how you get medieval on their butts. The best part about this story is that HM (that's His Majesty, to you) King David has a lovely website. On his home page under an enormous picture of him, he details his efforts to provide aide for the poor AIDS afflicted children of Insert African Nation Here. Even Americans know you cannot be a Royal unless you have some charity to support. Especially useful are those charities that show you pictures of starving children. Those work best of all. Good choice there, Your Majesty. You hit that nail right on the head. But if you do a little digging into the Royal website you find his Royal Pedigree. You know, like they do with dogs. Not only does he include his family tree proving his Royal Title, but he also proves that he is a cousin to the Royal Family of Great Britain. Wow, he's cousins with the Queen! Let's get something straight; I'm no genealogist but it seems to me when you cast such an enormous net (like the Cousin's Net), you are probably also related to Cher, Bill Clinton and Dick Cheney. I recommend that you lose the whole Cousins thing. Let's agree that you are only allowed to be a Royal Cousin if they invite you over for tea. Also, if you take the time to look at his Pedigree you may notice that he has achieved his gentle rank through marriage. Now, that is perfectly legitimate. But, does that mean he's Royal by insertion? If so, then good job King David! I always heard you were supposed to pull your Sword out of the stone. It just goes to show that you cannot trust legends. But it might damage your macho image, so I would dump that webpage too. Now, there's the matter of Royal Revenue. Until you conquer your island you can't collect taxes. But I have solved that for you! Just sell Knighthoods! There are tons of obnoxious idiots who would pay dearly for a title. I would add a web store and sell them that way. Between the money you can make from titles and the cash that will come in from your charity, you should have a pretty nice war chest. To invade, you will need an army. And let's face it, no regular mercenary army will do. You need to show your subjects that you mean business and will not tolerate anything but total loyalty. For that mission, I can only recommend Blackwater. It might take up some of the money for the African kids, but you can always pay them back later. Anyway, I hope you look charitably on Your Servant for his Words of Wisdom and that Your Majesty remembers to send me money when you use any of these ideas.

Sources:
FoxNews Story - http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,317490,00.html King David's Website - http://www.royaltyofman.com/ King David's Pedigree - http://hmkingdavid.homestead.com/pedigree.html Isle of Man Government News - http://www.gov.im/allnews.gov

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A Humorous Bow Hunting Story

by: Patty Pinkerton

A man and his friend were bow hunting elk in the Colorado mountains near Stoner Colorado. They rode their horse's from early morning until late evening. The high mountain terrain was very rough with tree's blown down and large boulders in the path. Their horse's had to step very carefully or chance breaking a leg. With no sign of any elk the man told his friend that the elk must have all moved to the lower country. They decided to go down and try again the next day. The next morning the man and his friend decided to hunt closer to the town of Stoner. They hunted most of the morning with no luck, the sky was clear and it was a beautiful day. As they got closer to the black top highway they saw a herd of cow elk. In the middle of the herd was the biggest bull elk you ever saw. The hunter got down off of his horse and carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing on the highway below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I know." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, I was married to her for 25 years."

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